Wednesday, August 3, 2016

D&D Goblinoid/Orcs/Etc Homebrew Resources

Oldschoolish D&Dish Homebrew Resources- Goblinoids and Other Monstrous/Savage Humanoids (Giant-kin, Gnolls, Orcs, etc)

Gathered together for future game reference. Feel free to suggest others.

Classes
 Goblin Enchantress at Le Chaudron Chromatique
Manrider Alchemist at Goblin Punch

Gadgets and Generators (See also: "Random Tables" below)
Goblin Doors at Abulafiah
Random Humanoid Horde- Abulafiah

General Information
Behold the Blingdingel at Wampus Country
Biology, Politics, and the Backwards Goblin Back Story at Playing D&D With Pornstars
Ecology of the Bugbear at Hack and Slash
Ecology of the Kobold at Hack and Slash
Ecology of the Orc at Hack and Slash
Ecology of the Troll at Hack and Slash
The Goblin Article at Basic Red
Goblins Are Bad And Mostly Hate You at Playing D&D With Porn Stars
God Hates Orcs at Goblin Punch
Halfling and Goblins at Goblin Punch
Kappas at Basic Red
Kobolds More Like NOBOLDS at Basic Red 
Names of the Orc at Basic Red
Of Manuals and Goblins at Dungeon of Signs 
Meditations on the Bugbear at Dungeon of Signs
Monster Archaeology- Large Humanoids
Monster Archaelogy- Small Humanoids
Orcs Are a Disease at Dungeon of Signs 
An Orcish Prayer at Goblin Punch
Ogres and Their Kin at Goblin Punch
Ogres of Wampus Country
They Are Like A Shadow In The Afternoon at D&D With Porn Stars
Thouls and Owlbears at Dungeon of Signs

Monster Entries and Subtypes
Blobblins at Goblin Punch
Goblin Collectors at Le Chaudron Chromatique 
Goblinforce Murdervengeance at D&D with Porn Stars
Gretchlings and Grues at Goblin Punch
Hollow Goblin (+ Hollow Hermit) at Le Chaudron Chromatique
Spider-Goblins (Hexenbracken) at Gaming, It Happens
Tooth Fairies at Goblin Punch
Yoblins, Funglybears, and Filth Libraries at Goblin Punch

PC Races
Bullywug at Hack and Slash
Gnolls at Hack and Slash
Halfling and Goblins at Goblin Punch
Savage Races at False Machine 

Personalities
The Greatest and Deadliest of Goblins at Basic Red
Griffin Street Irregulars at Wampus Country
Goblinforce Murdervengeance at Playing D&D with Porn Stars

Places
Goblin Arena at Goblin Punch
Goblin Cubes at Playing D&D with Porn Stars
Goblin Fort at Playing D&D With Porn Stars
Yoblintown at Goblin Punch

Random Tables
1d6 Goblin Traps at Goblin Punch
1d8 Goblin Weapons at Goblin Punch
Barbaric Tribe Generator at Playing D&D With Porn Stars
Cobalt Reach Encounters and Terrain at Playing D&D With Porn Stars 
Gads of Goblin Goodies at Land of Nod
Goblin Tribe Generator
Humanoid Traits Table at A Hamsterish Hoard
Mixing Liquids from Orc Spawning Pools with Healing Potions at Le Chaudron Chromatique
Random Starting Equipment for Goblins at Gaming, It Happens
Soups to Nuts Random Villain Generation at Playing D&D With Porn Stars
Thouls and Owlbears at Dungeon of Signs
What Does That Broken Goblin Machine Do? at Rolang's Creeping Doom
What's in that Dead Orc's Pockets? at Jeffs Gameblog
 WTF Are Those Goblins Doing? at Goblin Punch
 Yoblintown at Goblin Punch

Things
Goblin Market Works Like This at Playing D&D With Porn Stars
Goblin Pig Balloon at Playing D&D With Porn Stars
The Seven Deadly Stinks at Goblin Punch

Friday, May 20, 2016

The Terrble Truth About Trolls

The Terrible Truth About Trolls
Any adventurers worth their salt have heard tales of the troll. Physical descriptions vary, but the type of brute I’m speaking of is almost universally big, dumb, and eternally hungry. The troll ability rapidly and disturbingly stitch together any wounds it sustains (the trollish “regeneration”) is well known. The method of its defeat, fire or acid to cauterize the wounds, is also well known.

However, for all true knowledge known of trolls, many more misconceptions maintain in our minds.



Trollish Physiology

Trolls loom over normal men in a disgusting fashion that shouldn’t even be physically possible. Their bloated cores (which might be called abdomen) sag disgustingly over the top of legs much too gaunt to hold them. Its arms are equally emaciated, with skin seemingly pulled painfully tight over the bone.  A troll has no hair save for its head. Instead the creature’s (at times) rubbery skin is “decorated” with varicose veins, stretchmarks, or pus-filled growths of unknown nature. The latter features tend to change places when nobody’s looking.


(Source)

The troll is often described as technically a member of the giant family. However, their vaguely humanoid structure is perhaps the closest thing trolls have with giants. Physiologically (and historically, see Troll Origins), trolls more closely resemble the doppelganger. Ecologically they vary between behavior that mimics plagues of locusts and, more often, (somewhat more subtle) cockroaches. (See Troll Ecology and Reproduction).

The physiological body of a troll is actually incredibly weak. A troll’s physical toughness comes from its state of constant “regeneration”. Yes, even when unharmed, a troll’s body warps and devours its old flesh to make up for new.  The troll possesses no regeneration ability as we know it. “Remutation” serves as a better term, for the troll is technically a shapeshifter, like a doppelganger. However, the troll bears no control its shapechanging, dooming it to an existence of eternal suffering as it suffers constant writhing “mini-mutations”.



The troll’s mini-mutations pass by so quickly that the human fails to notice it. Two exceptions to the rule exist: when the troll deliberately turns its remutation to its favor or when it is wounded.  Of the former, the troll has two little known abilities. First, it can stretch its limbs slightly but significantly. This stretching is always accompanied by a noticeable physical change, such as the creaking and cracking of bones or the tightening or even tearing of the flesh. Second, a troll can fold and compress itself to fit into a much smaller space than its normal volume would allow. Of course, a troll will only perform such compression if it accepts the bone-breaking pain and mutilation that accompanies such a transformation. It helps that the troll’s bone structure is not consistent; it can turn solid, spongy, or even almost liquid given the right circumstances.




The troll’s constant transformations require a humungous heap of energy to burn. Hence, in addition to the constant trauma of their bodies breaking down and building back up, the average troll faces constant hunger surpassing even the most gluttonous of ghouls.

Troll Ecology and Reproduction

Trolls have been rightly called the cockroaches of the giant world for several reasons beyond their ability to be too damn hard to kill. For the most part, they are disgusting, lurking horrors that stay out of the way until food is most readily available. Like the normal cockroach, they feed on garbage (or what they consider garbage- as in, sentient humans and humanoids smaller than them.) Of course, because of the constant trauma they suffer from pain and starvation, trolls show much more aggression than cockroaches show.

Trolls are similar to cockroaches in another way: reproduction. Or at least, in a way cockroaches are rumored to reproduce. A troll’s reproduction resembles the old wife’s tale of female cockroaches. Namely, that they shoot their eggs all over the place if squished. (This is of course, a myth, but in a magical world with all sorts of whacko wizards, you never know if somebody turns it into a reality). However, when a troll is hacked apart, it does not eject eggs, but rather the trollish flesh acts more like a planarian flatworm or even an ooze.  Any “significantly large” enough piece of troll flesh, bone, or even blood that is left undisturbed can regenerate back into an entirely new troll, even when the original is destroyed.

Source
 

The process of the above “budding” reproduction is fiendishly slow, leaving most troll hunters completely unaware that trolls can even multiply this way. Woe be it to the unwary troll hunter who brings fire only to burn the main body but leaves scraps of the creature laying all over the place. Fortunately, their slow reproduction rate also puts a cap on their population. If their inert parts are eaten by predators or scavengers, the trolls will not regrow. Trolls are prone to cannibalism, which sounds nice but actually has a nasty implication. Troll hunters who wipe out an entire clan can make things worse than simply thinning out the population. Few other creatures can stand the taste of troll flesh…

Trolls generally prefer the splitting method of reproduction over sexually mating, though the latter is technically possible. Due to their origins (see Troll Origins, below), trolls find each other physically disgusting. Instead, they find the beings with conventionally finer features much more appealing despite the physical weakness they loath. A lustful troll can experience an erotic high from combat, further complicating the troll’s already convoluted (and now self-contradictory) feelings towards combat. Even the language of trolls reflects how they relate to bloodshed. In the trollish dialect of Giant, the words for “kill”, “die”, “eat”, and “mate” are largely the same. In its own twisted way, a troll signals its love by wanting to tear your guts out and wanting you to do likewise...

Troll Origins



How did a creature so warped in body in mind come to exist? And why does it mock our human form? Perhaps the right question might be why does our form mock it?
Classified erroneously as giant-kin, the origins of the troll more likely hearken back to a much more ancient time, where the rules of life were not like we know them.  In that primordial existence several worlds ago, form and physiology were less distinct. Sexual reproduction, perhaps even reproduction itself, was new or perhaps even unknown.  Yet, something raised the humanoid shape from the creatures that skitter on the ground.

Even in this bygone times (if time was a thing back then), the drive to improve, to evolve, still existed in some form. The first creatures resembling our form, the First Walkers, were otherwise shapeless, indistinct, even malleable, for fixed form had not been decided yet. The creatures we would call “doppelgangers”, the Formspawners, were among the first to solidify their forms from inconsistent muck. This feat was accomplished by ardent pushing and pulling, tensing and letting go, twisting, and untwisting. These first forms were simplistic, nearly featureless faces, dull colors, and of course the inability to reproduce. Yet this basic frame was mutable yet stable enough for the Formspawners to begin crafting more refined shapes.

At the same time as the above physical transformation, the basic reflexes and instincts of pushing and pulling, etc. began to become more complex as the drive towards differentiation unbound creation from itself. These reflexes and instincts intermingled and combined, first becoming basic perception of the outside reality, then awareness of the distinction of organisms, something akin to animal desire, and finally “human-level consciousness”.

The Formspawners were true to their names, having achieve separate existences, yet linked by an understanding of each other that could only come from evolving from the same “mass”. This common understanding may have evolved into what is the telepathy modern doppelgangers show today. That’s not our concern for this discussion. Suffice it to say, the Formspawners thoughts allowed them not only to communicate with each other, but also communicate with their own flesh, allowing increasingly finer and more distinct shapes.

However, in increasing their forms capacity for finer manipulations, the Formspawners reduced their capacity for grosser manipulations. No longer could they assume as radical size or weight changes, nor could they heal themselves as quickly.

An early Refiner (Art by Niii of Deviantart.com)



A sizable number of the First Walkers saw folly in substituting subtlety for greatness. These Reverters (as opposed to the Refiners on the other side of the argument) believed they had to go back a step and start again. Stretch for ever greater and greater things, continuously warp and mutate, “reach for the stars”. The Reverters stretched and warped themselves to greater and greater heights.

De/Evolution to the Modern Troll

Like the saying that if you make a face enough it will stay that way, so did their forms. Stretched to the limit and yet still warping, mutating, substituting quantity for quality of change, the Reverters damned themselves to an everlasting hell of torment. Through their petty spite and desire for vengeance against the Refiners, the Reverters became the abominable trolls we know today. (This is not to say the Refiners were without blame, far from it, but that is a story for another time.)


The greater sized troll ancestors look upon a Refiner. (Art John Bauer, 1915)


Thursday, March 17, 2016

The Hexenbracken: Welcome to Halcyon Springs!

Welcome to Halcyon Springs!


Art by Tyler Edlin


Welcome, honored seafarers and adventurers, to the great town of Halcyon Springs (Hex 0304), the gateway to the Isle of Mulk!  We are the Hexenbracken’s PREMIERE vacation destination!  So whether you seek thrilling excitement or merely to take a load off (especially if that load is excess coin), Halcyon Springs is THE place to stay! Be sure to visit our miraculous hot springs! You’ll find that all those impurities from the rough dungeon days will just melt away!

Fun for the whole party! (Source)

Halcyon Springs has something for the entire party! For the nature lovers, we have plenty of parks and sacred groves to explore and meditate at! Be sure to talk with ‘Bracken famous botanist and flower seller, Avana Rouncefield, whom even organizes expeditions from time to time! If you’re the more scholarly sort, be sure to visit the Oakheart Academy! Our avant-garde curriculum leaves nothing off the table! And if all you want is true adventure, our Dungeon Crawlerz Venture Tourism® will test the mettle of the best! Can you stand the heat?

The Official Maxcot for the Dungeon Crawlerz Venture Tourism®


And should you need to bill this as a business trip, our Venture Capital Market® is the best place to sign up for quests, charter McGuffin seekers, or even procure expedition funding from investors! And if you need hired help, please visit the Henchman’s Guild to contract some of the best redshirts the Hexenbracken has to offer!

Art by Wayne Reynolds


Halcyon Springs is 100% safe from unpaid for dangers! Any rumors your heard about rodentmen marauders are 100% FALSE! You won’t see them here- THOSE things are only for OTHER campaign settings! Our diligent constables are on hand to make sure you have only halcyon days at Halcyon Springs!

So what are you waiting for? Book tickets for your visit today!

Wednesday, March 16, 2016

Strange Spelljamming Races: Hat People

Strange Spelljamming Races: Hat People




Hat People, from the Planet of Hats, are a spacefaring civilization of a rather unusual nature. The "People" in question aren't the mounts they ride on, but rather, the Hats themselves. Any Hat can ride its mindless, artificially created “flesh chariots”, but they prefer intelligent mounts (as in, people.)

A Hat can perform a symbiotic bond with any creature capable of wearing a normal hat (which is usually humanoids or the like). The Hat has a lamprey like mouth (though with much smaller and finer teeth) that it can use to attach itself to the head. Once attached, the Hat will meld its mind with its mount, creating a gestalt mind of both. Some special Hat breeds may grant minor boons in exchange for certain behavioral changes (see below) or increased nutrient take-in they require.

A Party Hat moves to grab a host. (art Tony DeTerlizzi)


The Hat will often let the mount’s personality determine the primary characteristics and behaviors of the gestalt mind, though with some additional quirks and sometimes dramatic changes (as dictated by the type of Hat in question- woe be upon whomever dons a Mad Hat.) A displeased or just plain nasty Hat can dominate its mount as per an intelligent magic item. Hats always have disproportionally large Egos. (As evidenced by calling the beings they ride “mounts” instead of “hosts.” (This would imply that the Hats in question would be parasitic in nature, which offends them).

The rejection of a mount by his Hat can be traumatizing. (Source)


Hat spacefaring ships will usually emulate the race or species of their mounts (or the race or species that has the largest representation. However, from time to time, an unusually gargantuan Hat will be spawned, such that it can only ride a usually large host, such as a space whale. In that case, the Hat can negotiate with or dominate its host to take the Hat’s kindred into space. Even more rarely, the 
Hats may make ships from their own biomanced thread weaves. These ships invariably resemble giant floating hats. The Hats realize that humanoids might find a thing like, for example, a giant beanie hat flying through space disturbing. Therefore Hats usually prefer to use humanoid spacecraft.


Hats have individual names but not usually surnames beyond “the Hat” or an indicator of what kind of Hat it is. For example, the notorious Hat crime lord Jabba, a Bowler type Hat, may go by Jabba, Jabba the Hat, or Jabba the Bowler Hat.

Tuesday, February 16, 2016

A Taxonomy of Jellies, Oozes, and Slimes (Snobs)

How to Distinguish a Snob

There has been much recent discussion of on the differences between, even the basic definitions of, the jelly, the ooze, and the slime. Despite the confusion, past descriptions of such entities give us a fairly easy way of classifying them. However, we first need a term that will refer to the collective name. For terms of this discussion, I will be using the word Snob, named after the vile, perverse, and equally spineless Dr. Bery Snob Chilly. Dr. Bery Snob Chilly served as a spokesperson the Snob alchemy, biomancy, sanitation, and even food supply industries. However, this may have served as a smokescreen for the many crimes against humanity Dr. Chilly used Snobs for in private. Fortunately, his activities have recently come to public attention, and he has been captured. However, this is a topic for another discussion.

Basic Criteria for Snobs
The first step in identifying a Snob is to determine if the entity is really a snob. Here are some rough criteria,
1.       Liquid or semi-liquid in nature (thus ruling out mosses and most fungi)
2.       Largely without complex, discernable, functioning anatomies (ruling out things like ooze mephits and other gooey beings that nonetheless are solid and/or have more developed anatomies )
3.       Not necessarily associated with an elemental plane (ruling out water elements and the like)
4.       Some capability of response to external stimuli (even if it’s dropping on somebody’s head)

If the potential Snob is a real Snob, then we can begin the classification process proper.  We have a checklist for each classification that must be gone through in the following order.
1.       Slime
2.       Jelly
3.       Ooze

Do not proceed to a later check list until you have determined the Snob fails to meet the criteria of the current classification you are examining. (Don’t continue to Jelly until you’ve determined the Snob is not a slime, and don’t continue onto ooze until you have determined the Snob is not a slime nor a jelly.)

The following entries provide names, examples, general characteristics (not taxonomy criteria), and finally the criteria proper.


Slimes
 (Example: green slime, olive slime, flareater)



With the green slime being the prototypical example, slimes are usually parasitic and immobile. Save for dropping from ceilings, they are largely passive entities that must wait for on the wary or the foolish to get near.  Certain artificially altered slimes (example: the flareater) may be able to act and move f their own volition.
Criteria for slimes:
At least three of the below:
1.       Related to green slime
2.       Has some strange interaction with green slime
3.       Strange interaction with light
4.       Explicitly described as dropping down from ceiling as an attack
5.       Is a hazard more than a monster (immovable, can only drop from the ceiling, attach to the unobservant who step in it, or are delivered as a weapon by another creature)
6.       Multiplies by infection
7.       Resistant or immune to most attacks
8.       Can be killed via remove disease


Jellies
(Examples: gelatinous cube, mustard jelly, stun jelly, slithering tracker, ochre jelly)



Jellies are generally known for having (relatively) more stable shapes but still moving of their own volition. If it jiggles when you poke it, it’s probably a jelly.
Criteria for Jellies:
Mandatory: not slime
And at least three of the following characteristics
1.       More of a stable shape (e.g. Cube, or any of those wobbly fancy colored jello, or assuming the shape of the pray as it digests it like a snake)
2.       Less fluidity (e.g. Unable to seep through closed doors)
3.       Transparent
4.       Amoeboid
5.       Some sort of movement impairment (stunning, slowing, enveloping)
6.       Related to ochre jelly

A Dragonian Blue Jelly, often erroneously referred to translated as "slime" by those untrained in Snob taxonomy. Note that the organs which seem to be eyes are not. Rather, they are designed to emit light, not receive it. In particular, hypnotic light! So whatever you do, don't look at the whites of its "eyes"!

Oozes
(Examples: Crystal ooze, gray ooze)



Oozes are a general catch all term for what doesn’t fit above.  They tend to be the most mobile, being able to seep through cracks and so on while also having the ability for self-propulsion.
Criteria for oozes:
All below are mandatory for oozes, which may be considered a catch all for everything else

1.        Not belonging to either of the above types
2.    Still a Snob

Tuesday, December 22, 2015

The Bring Back the Malice Fund Commences!

From the Desk of Valentine MacGee, Great Kami Guru, Archmage Supreme, and Channeler of the Primal Chaos
Public Relations, Akenian Branch
The BRING BACK THE MALICE FUND now Commences!
Press Notification, FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

(Image Source)


Greetings, troubleshooters and treasure hunters. I am Valentine MacGee, Archmage Supreme and Sage of 7 Worlds, speaking to you today on behalf of Malice Afore Thought. As many of you know, the late and great Malice was seemingly wiped away from existence due to a tragic accident on the Cubed World. HOWEVER, FRET NOT, for I have discovered a way of resuscitating him!

Through the miracles of CLONING, we can restore and regrow everyone’s favorite assassin to as good as new.  All this miracle will cost is a mere 57,000 gold pieces. This is where YOU, YES YOU, can help a (formerly) living legend. Starting immediately, we will be taking donations from the general public for his rebirth with the BRING BACK THE MALICE FUND!

How much are you willing to give to see Afore Thought? Donate to the BRING BACK THE MALICE FUND today!

Caveats and Risks:
This procedure will require the remaining blood of Malice.
There is a small chance he will come back as part fungal zombie.
Generally allow for ten weeks for new Malices to be grown and delivered.

All donations, once spent, are nonrefundable.

Sunday, December 20, 2015

A Few Words on the Life and Death of Malice Afore Thought

A Few Words on the Life and Death of Malice Afore Thought
Delivered by Joe C. Dunnyman, Priest of Antiseptis

Hi there, I’m Joe Dunnyman, servant of Antiseptis and the Gods of Clean, and I’m here to talk to you today about the dangers of green slime- what, who? Malice? Oh, right! Okay, let’s start again

However much it may smile or make funny noises,, DON'T trust it, kids!
Hi there, I’m Joe Dunnyman, servant of Antiseptis and the Gods of Clean, and I’m here to speak to you about Malice Afore Thought.  He usually hung around with a gang that included Dread Noslum, Nack, Fiddlin’ Joe (not me Joe, a different Joe), Elsjin, Manning, and Pete Loudly. He also knew some paladin guy named Sir Ward. They were apparently big pals despite havin’’ totally different “alignments”. It’s been said that Malice didn’t truly represent this thing called “Chaotic Evil”. But he’d always say he just played things for the long game.  Anyway, reason why I’ve been hangin’ out with this group is because my boss in the sky, the Spotless Lord, has ordered me to clean up after ‘em and minimize the mess they make. Yeah, fat chance of that.

I understand he was something of a celebrity with flail snails around these parts.  I don’t know much about snails, other than they can wreak havoc on yer garden. Some people race ‘em, but I don’t like that sorta thing. They leave this really nasty slime trail behind them. Kinda like Malice did right before he croaked. Just the thought of it makes my tummy a little urpy.

Not sure what attraction he holds to these guys


Oh yeah, we were talkin’ about Malice, right? Well, he was a thief or bounty hunter or somethin’, I think, moonlightin’ as an assassin. I don’t recall if I ever saw him actually assassinate anybody, although I think he did backstab a few fellas, when he could stand on his own two feet. Anyway, I think he’s also a white elf. When I got croaked and reincarnated in the skin of one of his kindred, he was always a real pal in teaching me the ins and outs of being an elf.  Apparently you’re supposed to be all high and mighty and smugly superior and stuff. Although I guess he could even be snooty to other elves, given how he was nobility or something fancy-pants like that. I think he was from the Cubed World city of Nornrick. Not that he was ever openly smugly superior, like a said a real good Joe, well, not a Joe since his name was Malice, but ya get the point.

I don’t have the history with Malice that a lot of THE old hats do. I’ve only known him for about a year and a half. I think the first time I met him was during some high seas adventure.  (Ya could tell it was high seas adventure because it was right in the captain’s name- Albrecht of the High Seas, a friend of Malice and the rest).  O’ course, I was still wet behind the ears carryin’ the robes back then, just outta my first adventure in the Doom Cave of the Crystal-Headed Children.  But Malice, he was already old hat at the thuggery thing he does.  Anyway, we got in a heap of trouble, since this big shot librarian guy got really, really mad at us for… I think it was not returning the library books on time.

We used to have this ship that was also a library.

Since then, I’ve been on lots of adventures with Malice and his gang. Malice is something of a character; I guess what one could call an “elegant mess”.  He’d come up with some great fancy pants schemes, but then a lotta the time they’d become unglued by some fundamental, dumb mistake he made or just dumb luck. (Sometimes with Malice, it was hard to tell the difference.)
 For instance, there was this one time we were fleeing for our dear lives from the Giant of Hate Mountain (as in, the Giant WAS the Mountain). We had to escape the mountain range lickety-split, so Malice suggested we snowboard our way down usin’ our shields. Somehow I made it all the way down. But Malice musta tripped over his own two feet because early on he tipped over, and he bounced the rest of the way down the mountain.

Now I’m not saying that Malice was made of failure.  He’s pretty good at makin’ up plans involving other people. His recruitment of underlings helped us break through the Lair of the Jackalmen. And I’m pretty sure we escaped the Time Dungeon only because he used some magic candle to gate in his paladin sister. She helped our gang fight past all the evil alternate timeline Pete Loudlys.



Malice died as he lived. That is, working out one of his creative schemes. In the dungeons beneath the royal palace of Gaxen Kane, we were runnin’ around like chickens with their heads cut off. We managed to ditch the goblins that were hot on our heels. To get rid of a few of the little bastards in the next room, Malice thought it’d be great fun to use some of their own green slime against ‘em.  How would he do it? He attached a bucket to a string with the intent to swing the bucket into the next room. I remember thinkin’, “Who does he think he is? Some kid home alone tryin’ to make some bandits wets?”

When yer parents told you to eat yer greens, they weren't talkin' about green SLIME!
I warned him not to make a mess like this. Make a mess, and you start getting sloppy. Get sloppy, and bad things happen.  He didn’t listen and went ahead with his plan. So the others open up the door, and Malice swings his bucket almost blindly. There’s a “sploosh” sound, then it all went quiet.  Malice pokes his head into the next room to check it for gobboes. Then, POW, he gets harpooned by three goblins and paralyzed by the Goblin Pope’s tentacle hands. 

I hope I can get a hat like that one of these days.

The goblins proceed to drag him through the mess of green slime he made. Suffice it to say, we couldn’t get to him before it chewed him up and spit him out as another stain of green slime. Now, this reminds me kids, green slime is DANGEROUS! Don’t play with it; don’t try to make traps out of it unless under the supervision of a trained adult.



Oh yeah, it wasn’t the green slime that did him in for good. It was actually Fiddlin’ Joe and some spit from the giant of the Time Dungeon. This spit is powerful stuff, able to reverse time on whatever it coats. Kinda like cosmic stain remover. So Fiddlin’ Joe was panicking and he got sloppy and used too much stain remover.  Not only did Malice de-age all the way before when he was born, but he de-aged to even before the birth of his race. Now turned into pre-elf pond scum, he’s not just dead, he’s deader than dead.  Ya know, I really should look in my Book of Ritual Purifications and see what it says to do when ya use too much cosmic stain remover.

The time reversal went a bit too quickly.

Malice is survived by his little brother, Deeds, and his 53,000 year old, demon-god slaying sister, whom he was apparently very jealous of. Being in his sibling’s shadow all his life musta been a lulu for his brainpan. Maybe that’s why Malice always reached for the stars only for them to tumble back down upon him? In any case, Malice’s legacy (beyond the Aesop of not playing with fire, er, slime) is a void in the party. For all the messes he wrought, he was something of a balancing figure between the rest of the gang. He was somewhere between Knack’s circumspect reserve and Fiddlin’ Joe’s “Get to it, ask questions later” answer for everything.  He could sometimes even get Elsjin to focus and Manning to stop running away!

Plus, for a theoretical raving psychopath, Malice was always the “visionary” of the group.  He was always one of the big pushers for pokin’ out the Eyeball Golem of Vorn.  Ya know, the one that’s lordin’ it over Nizadd like a big jerk? Yeah, that’s why we were in Gaxen Kane in the first place. To swipe some tribal masks that would supposedly protect us from the Vorn Golem’s beholder eye rays. (Side note, I understand that the Eyeball Golem of Vorn got unleashed upon the world thanks to another failed Malice scheme.)

With Malice gone and the mission for the Masks of Eyeball Golem Warding botched, we have yet to find new direction. Malice’s replacement, Deeds Afore Thought, remains in his brother’s shadow as much as Malice was in their sister’s shadow.  Mostly he grunts and threatens and sometimes stabs things a little bit. Judging by all the shenanigans the alternate Malices pulled in the Time Dungeon, the rest of the universe is probably better off with him dead. But it sure makes life a pain in the buns for us.

But all’s not lost. We’ll survive and adapt. We always do (okay, mostly always). And I understand that idiot magician Valentine MacGee may be schemin’ up a few possibilities to bring Malice back, or a Malice back. Including one method created for a different hero but that never got used.